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By Behindtherealme on 10-Jul

This is the story of my struggle through life and where i am today.

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16 years ago..

Ive been bullied for 8 years straight all the way through primary school up until now in high school.

The reason im writing this story to my audience today is because i want people to see how it really feels behind the smiling faces of us depressed teenagers.

im sixteen years old. I was diagnosed with depression when i was twelve. I have tried to commit suicide six times. You ask, "Why. What made it so bad that you wanted to end your life. Your so young..." It got really bad in grade six. So that was six years ago now.. When my auntie died of cancer. I was closer to her than my own mother. I told my bestfriend the day after she died what had happened. And he told his friends and got his friends to come up to me and ask how my auntie was even though they knew she died. I cried every single day of that year.

Finally came year seven, seemed like a fresh start because i refused to go to a school where i knew people from my primary school. At first i made friends really easily, unitl i started feeling really run down and neglected. This continued for months where it got to the point where i see how long it would take someone to actually talk to me at recess or lunch. This was when i started to feel like i was completely alone, like no one actually cared about me. I'd always think to myself, "how would life be like without me? Would people be sad that i was gone? Would they blame themselves?" in a way, i did want them to blame themself as selfish as that sounds.. I continued to feel like this for months on end. Where i would have to put on a fake smile consistantly when really i would walk away by myself screaming and crying on the inside because no one could see the saddness and how much i was actually suffering. 

A year past. Year eight came along. Dad started drinking. So i spent a lot more time in my room, which mum was on my back constantly about. Early april i started getting a really sharp pain on the front of my pelvis. It took months and many different doctors to actually figure out what the pain was. I ended up having an operation done and they found i had a cyct on my ovary, they also told me that there may my a slight decrease in the chances of me having children when i am older because i am gettting pains like this so young. This made my selfesteem fall to its lowest. 

Honestly, i could continue going on about my story for another six to seven paragraphs, but i dont even know if anyone is actually going to read this.. But yes there is more and yes it does get a lot worse. But i did just want people to know that they arent alone going though this shit, because it gets really bad and i know it does get better. 

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Comments

Flea | Reply 10 July 2012, 12:51 AM

You've been through so much! It's amazing you can talk about it so freely now. That's gotta be a good sign.

That last line you wrote is really important. I haven't been bullied before but I did have depression and things do get better in the end. You must be proud of yourself. :)

And yes, we are reading.. even at this hour. :)

Behindtherealme 10 July 2012, 7:55 PM

Thanks Flea its good to know people like you are out there. and i do find it hard to speak freely about it now, but i try my hardest because i want people to know that they arent alone

Flea 11 July 2012, 12:50 PM

I have no doubt at all that what you're saying does help people a lot. It's so easy to forget or to not realise that there are plenty of other people out there who go through the same things we do. I think if no one talks about it then everyone just assumes they're alone.

Do you think talking about it helps you too?

deedee | Reply 12 July 2012, 12:20 PM

It is really brave to write about what you are going through, so other people know they are not alone. I was bullied through school also, and I wanted to let you know that it totally gets better. In someways I feel like I have a really strong sense of who I am and the type of person I want to be because of it. I am at Uni now and have friends that really appreciate those qualities in me.

baby_gone | Reply 12 July 2012, 7:47 PM

It's a very good sign that you are able to write. It shows that you are strong. You have been through so much and I am really sorry that you have been bullied. I think that best thing to do is to continue to write. When you write you are releases some sort of emotion into word, it makes you feel better.

I have been bullied, once and once only, but i got out of that. I don't really know how it feels to want to kill myself, but i do know what it is like to wake up each day and have no emotion.

I hope that things get better. Stay strong. xo

Addy | Reply 31 July 2012, 9:27 PM

I have so much respect for you to be able to tell your story like that. and it's a great thing you're doing trying to show other people going through the same thing that they aren't alone. i was bullied throughout primary school, and was depressed for a whole year in high school. it's hard, but it's people like you who inspire us to stay strong :)

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